Stupid Questions I Will Have to Answer Today

I am reasonably sure that, dear reader, you are fully aware of my disdain for my current job.  It’s…it’s not good, guys, and I want to quit all day every day.  But I stick it out and do my best because, if I don’t, someone else will have to do it.  So until I find a newer, better job, I’ll be the best mistreated, underpaid, underappreciated office drone I can be!

All that being said, I would like to share with you a few of the absolutely ridiculous questions that I receive on a daily basis.  Please try to keep in mind:  all of these questions are a coming from a sincere place, and the individuals asking are expecting me to give them a legitimate answer without laughing or yelling or crying or anything.  Each of the following examples is an ACTUAL QUESTION THAT A REAL PERSON CALLED AND ASKED ME WITH NO TRACE OF IRONY.  Without further ado, please feel free to peruse this helpful FAQ from my job.  They each include a question (Q), my answer (A), and my internal answer (IA).  Enjoy.

Q:  You sent me an email saying that, in order to graduate, I need to take English 101.  Can I use French 101 instead?
A:  No, you cannot use a foreign language to satisfy your English requirement.
IA:  You may be able to fumble through an introduction in French, but you’re clearly too stupid to understand what your degree requirements mean.  DEGREE DENIED.

Q:  I’m not going to be able to finish my degree requirements before May like I planned.  I’m gonna try to finish by December.  Can I walk in the May commencement cermony anyway?  I already told my family that I was going to graduate.
A:  No, I’m sorry, you cannot walk in the graduation ceremony if you are not graduating.
IA:  Don’t worry, moron, no one in your family is going to believe you graduated from college anyway.

Q:  You sent me an email saying that I was going to graduate in December, but now you’re saying I can’t have my diploma?  What’s going on?
A:  You failed and/or withdrew from all of your classes after you applied to graduate.  The email I sent you stated that you were expected to graduate in December, pending the successful completion of all of your registered classes at the time of application.
IA:  So you thought you could trick us into granting you a degree by registering then failing/dropping all of your remaining requirements?  WOW, I WISH I HAD THOUGHT OF THAT MY LAST SEMESTER IN COLLEGE.  Obviously no one confirms your grades before we go passing out diplomas all willy-nilly.

Q:  Why wasn’t I given my diploma at the graduation ceremony?
A: The commencement ceremony took place prior to finals.  You hadn’t finished your classes, so you didn’t officially graduate until afterward.
IA:  Walking across a stage does not constitute graduating from college.  It constitutes walking across a stage, idiot.

Q:  I got a letter saying that I couldn’t have my diploma until I paid my overdue tuition.  Can’t you just send it to me?
A:  I’m sorry, but we are unable to release any of your academic records until you settle your debt with the college.
IA:  Wow, you’re almost as smart as the guy who dropped all of his classes after he got a graduation confirmation!  Take classes, get degree, never pay = PROFIT.  It’s genius.

Q:  Can I have a copy of my diploma before I graduate?  I need it to get a job.
A:  I’m sorry, but we can only give you a diploma once you successfully complete all of the requirements.
IA:  HEY, GOOD IDEA, I’M JUST GONNA PRINT OUT A BUNCH OF DIPLOMAS FOR DIFFERENT PROGRAMS WITHOUT FINISHING THE CLASSES, THEN USE THEM TO GET A JOB WHERE I DON’T HAVE TO LISTEN TO YOUR INANE QUESTIONS ALL DAY.  THANKS FOR THE INSPIRATION, JACKWAGON.

Q:  I don’t agree with the degree requirements.  Can I skip some of them?
A:  The degree requirements are set out by the department and faculty council to give our students the best possible education and best career preparation for each field.  The requirements are not negotiable.
IA:  If you don’t like the requirements, go somewhere else and get a degree.  PLEASE, PLEASE GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

Q:  I applied to graduate weeks ago and I still haven’t gotten anything!  What’s taking so long?
A:  Did you check the email address that you included on your application?  The one labeled “Primary Contact Email?”
Q:  No, I never check that account.
A:  As stated on your application, the primary method of communication from our office will be through email.  Please check your inbox.
IA:  If you would read anything that you filled out or that was sent to you, I wouldn’t have to hold your hand, jerk.  DEGREE DENIED.

Q:  You sent me an email saying that I needed to take a 4 credit class to graduate.  I registered for a 3 credit class.  Will that be okay?
A:  As I said, you need a 4 credit class.  The 3 credit class will unfortunately leave you 1 credit shy of earning your degree.
IA:  Sorry, A-hole, but 3 is NOT equal to 4.  I hope what you registered for wasn’t a math class, because you will not be passing.

Q:  I know that the deadline was over a month ago, but I want to apply to graduate.  Will you take my application now?
A:  I will take your application, but it will go to the end of the line.  If we have time to complete it prior to our deadline, it will go through.  If not, you may not be included in the commencement program.
IA:  You knew the deadline, but you just couldn’t be bothered?  Well, I know how important your graduation is to you, and maybe I can’t be bothered to do your application.

Q:  I finished my classes last fall but I never applied to graduate.  I need to now for a job, though.  Can I apply for December graduation now?
A:  We will have to go through and review your record retroactively, which may take a few weeks.  We’ll be in contact.
IA:  Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that you didn’t feel like completing the 5 minute application prior to the October deadline to save me hours upon hours of work and get your record updated in time.  I hate you and I hope that you don’t get your job.

Q:  My GPA was 1.75 at the end of last semester, then I got a 3.00 this semester.  Why didn’t my GPA go up past 2.00?  I need it to get into my nursing clinicals!  This is stupid!
A:  GPA is calculated as a percentage.  The more classes you’ve taken, the longer it will take to bring up your GPA.  You will likely need to retake some classes in order to raise it more quickly and efficiently.
IA:  Please don’t retake any classes.  Please just give up and pursue another career.  Your desire to enter the nursing field has made me lose what little faith I have in our medical system.  We are all going to die horrible, horrible deaths.  Also, you are stupid.

The school yearbook should just be 1,000 of this.

In conclusion, everyone is terrible and I hate them.  The end.